Five years on today 11:10am....living with a traumatic brain injury...

I have been disabled for five years now, the sudden change in my circumstances, from normality, living an easy family life to now having to be cared for for my every need.

After five years I am not going to tell you it’s been an easy ride, it’s a roller coaster ride with highs and lows . It has been tremendously challenging not only for myself but my family. I was left severely disabled after being hit by a bus on this day five years ago. I was 39 at the time.

I feel grateful for the life I used to lead. I am also strangely grateful for my life today. It’s given me far more wisdom and understanding than any book could have taught me. I know what I had. I had paradise on earth and now I see how quickly I lost all of it. To be honest, it’s very similar to death but when you die there won’t be any second chances. If I had one more day in my old life I would have had my head in prostration begging Allah, now I understand why the Prophet said pray as if it’s your last prayer. I would have Memorized more Quran. I would have taken my parents out for a meal. But I can’t have that one more day.

As a disabled lady following five years of struggle, I say be grateful for what you have, appreciate your limbs, your voice, you can go to the toilet when ever you like. I hate the slow pace of a disabled life. I can’t just jump out of bed and begin my day. I can’t just pop to the supermarket. It’s all very lengthy. At least a two hour process to pop out. EVERYTHING needs time. This slow moving has been a struggle for me, because before I would literally be zooming around. I was a whizz mum. I have to pray for patience every day. I do manage to keep my cool, but I am volatile and I can loose it every now and then. The hardest part for me has been the loss of speech. I can talk but it’s a struggle. I have a condition called dysarthria. It takes me time, it’s slurred, monotone and I sound awful. Alhamdulilah, there was a time when I could not talk. There was a time when my family questioned would I ever be able to communicate again or not. Many people with brain injury become vegetive and have no idea of their surroundings, in fact for someone with the magnitude of damage I sustained this is the norm, but praise Allah - He preserved me from being internally trapped and locked in.

I feel immense gratitude to my husband who never gave up on me even though I can be very challenging and my four amazing kids who are always on hand to assist mum. They flourish under very difficult circumstances.

We have a beautiful verse in the Quran; after my accident I used to ponder this verse immensely. At one point I actually thought no God is wrong.

لَا یُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَاۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتۡ وَعَلَیۡهَا مَا ٱكۡتَسَبَتۡۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَاۤ إِن نَّسِینَاۤ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَیۡنَاۤ إِصۡرࣰا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِینَ مِن قَبۡلِنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦۖ وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَاۤۚ أَنتَ مَوۡلَىٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡكَـٰفِرِینَ﴿ ٢٨٦ ﴾

“On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) "Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith."

Al-Baqarah, Ayah 286

Following my accident, when I began to understand the severity of my injury, I believed this was too big burden to bear; I had no voice and not even one limb was working to its full potential - how could I bear this? Five years ago, I believed this was an impossible burden for me to bear. I thought, God must be wrong and He alone knows how much I prayed for death. However, five years on, I am here still smiling and making tiny baby steps to progress. I have had to re-learn almost every aspect of basic functioning, from eating, toileting, the art of standing and communicating.

I realise now, years after, Allah did not place this on me and abandon me. He sent numerous people to me to guide me along this journey, I have two simply amazing support workers who are totally in this journey with me. They treat my kids like they are their own. I have an amazing physio therapist who pushes me to my limits but we also laugh our way during the throughout the entire hour.

Humour is very important for me and my husband would tell you how serious I was pre- accident. I have probably laughed more these last five years than my entire normal life.

Life is hard for anyone with a disability such as mine but laughing helps me get through each day.

As hard as life is, I take each day as it comes, I know we are on this earth for a limited time so I won’t be disabled forever.

I hope to write more in the new year, God willing.