For a long time after my accident, I did not know who I was. I believe the brain is the soul of a person, I am probably wrong, but only God knows because He is the creator of our souls. I once wrote every brain injury is like a fingerprint, no two fingerprints are the same, hence every brain injury is different, you can never compare yourself to somebody else with a brain injury. There is no such concept as a brain transplant, as you see with other organs, your brain is your unique brain.
For me, this has had two implications. Firstly, a brain injury is a lonely experience.
I have read so many books by people who have suffered a brain injury, though you can understand certain elements, I can say nobody can truly understand what I feel, this is the reason I have clung to my faith like never before. To deal with my loneliness, I have sought refuge and comfort in God, my Creator.
The second implication is that if your brain is unique to you and your brain is where your personality resides and all the traits that make you who you are - if the brain is the hub of your personality, then once you have an injured brain, who are you?
People believe I am amazing for how I have dealt with my disability, but to be honest, only God knows the state of my heart. I had hated this new life, may God forgive me, I don’t know how many times I asked Him to just take me from this world. I had no desire to live anymore. I had no idea who I was.
For me, that was the million-dollar question. Am I Hanah pre-injury, before the accident? Or am I a new person? I have developed certain traits in my character that I don’t recognise as part of my former self. I am very emotional now. Old Hannah would never cry in front of anyone, but nor could I write as I do now. I was thinking I need to find myself again, maybe redefine Hannah Mcwann as she is now?
I found my answer whilst stuck in my bedroom because I needed to self isolate. My eldest child got Covid, I am glad to inform you he made a swift recovery. I have finished isolating now, and I feel I have found myself. A sense of merger has happened. Rather than dismiss my old personality, while trying to discover a new one, instead, the two personlaities have merged into a hopeful harmony. So what and how did this happen?
I realised in those two weeks of isolation, that I had spent the past three years shying away from life. I was not at peace with myself, I also realised I was forcing myself to recover.
I found my answer whilst stuck in my bedroom because I needed to self isolate. My eldest child got Covid, I am glad to inform you he made a swift recovery. I have finished isolating now, and I feel I have found myself. So what and how did this happen?
I had discovered I had not changed as much as I first believed despite the damaged brain.
In my isolation, I felt my past life and new life merge.
The old Hannah was resilient, I sat my Maths GCSE three times to pass. Giving up was not an option for me. I cannot even begin on my quest to learn Arabic, I never threw the towel in. This resilient nature of Hannah has become evident in my recovery. I cannot give up. I have accepted that I will never fully recover, but that is ok, I will work towards being as independent as possible.
The old Hannah was a proud Muslim, and I always wanted to share this with others. Hannah in her wheelchair is still proud of her religious identity, more so than ever. The fact I mention my faith continually in my blog, shows I have not changed as much as I initially thought.
The last and most difficult merger related to my physical appearance and beauty. The old Hannah was always very comfortable with her appearance.
This new Hannah was terribly embarrassed by the way she looks and sounds when talking. That sounds vain I know! I don't have the same symmetrical face anymore because of nerve damage. I have to open my mouth wide to communicate and articulate certain sounds. For me to overcome this obstacle, I would need help...and the help came unexpectedly...
One morning in isolation, I woke up and the first thing I felt, was the words of the prophet Muhammad impressed in my heart. Words, that I just could not shrug off or ignore. Those words were his famous saying, “ Surely, God does not look at your appearance, but your 💖 hearts. “
That for me was a life-changing moment. I knew that despite all that has happened and my physical disabilities, my heart had not changed. I want to shout to the world, I am still Hannah Mcwann, a proud, disabled Muslim woman.
That for me, was a life-changing moment. I knew that despite all that has happened and my physical disabilities, my heart had not changed. I want to shout to the world, I am still Hannah Mcwann, I am still a proud Muslim lady.
For now, I am wheelchair-bound, but I am alive. More than ever before my soul is buzzing. I can truly say I am now happy and at peace with who I am now. I don’t care how I look or talk, this is what the Almighty planned for me. I place my trust in His plan.
This is my last blog for the year, wishing everyone a Happy New year.
Love Hannah
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