Crisis point, depression and mental health

This is a hard topic to address, hence I took my time to write about it, but I am going to be very honest. I have not arrived where I am today mentally by some lucky coincidence. I have been through a huge mental battle to reach where I am today. My mental health today is stable. I have had to work for this and it is a daily battle. I put just as much effort on my mental health as I do for my physio, because physio and a strong positive mindset go hand in hand. You may have heard the term mind over matter. The mind comes first always. 

I managed by some God-given gift to keep my steady mindset for months, but by the end of my stay at The Raphael in Kent, I felt very alone. I truly believe the lone sheep is in danger because I felt very vulnerable and I was worried about my faith more than anything else. The irony is my sweetest faith moments were in the Raphael. When I was alone, I only saw my husband, who was still working, every Tuesday and Wednesday before he would rush home for the school run. I saw my kids on the weekends, but I could not bond with my younger boys - there was a real distance. During the school holidays, my parents would look after my kids to allow my husband to stay nearby In Kent. I would love our time together, but I would always dread his departure day. Towards the end of my stay at Raphael which was nine months, I fell mentally depressed. It was due to a combination of some awful carers (On my journey, I have seen the best of humanity, and also alas individuals who just don’t care or lack compassion, luckily the former was rare) and also the uncertainty on my next residency. When you have a brain injury you thrive on routines. Uncertainty is a great cause of anxiety. That is when I became overwhelmed.

It was really clear I needed more rehab, however, the clinical commission group (CCG) refused to fund anymore rehab, even though I showed no signs of stagnation. To them I was just a statistic, it did not matter that I had shown progress. They refused any further funding for rehab near my home setting. I am going to dwell on this point a little, had my brain injury occurred due to a fall in the bathroom, I would be at the mercy of statutory services. I would have been lucky to have physio once a fortnight and my story would have ended there.

During my depression, I remember just wanting to sleep, always. I could not even bother to get up in the morning. In sleep, I could escape life. I felt God had abandoned me. By this time, I had become completely dependent on my parents, who in their 70s, had to stay in an Air B & B, because I just couldn’t be alone. I will never forget that Ramadan where they would spend all day with me and return to their studio flat in the late summer evening, breaking their fast on meagre sandwiches.

I needed to leave The Raphael so desperately. I knew I could not remain there anymore. It was affecting my faith. I began to google care homes near my family. I could not believe at age 40, I could be contemplating this - but anything to get away from the Raphael - even to be stuck in a room with nothing to do but watch Homes under the Hammer. In case you’re thinking, why did I not opt to go home - well, I used to live in a rented second floor flat, so it could not accommodate my wheelchair or my new needs. 

By this stage, I was so low, I gave up praying for four days.

I have prayed ever since finding my faith at age 14.

During my time at the Raphael, I dabbled into poetry. I am no William Wordsworth, but it was an expression of my heart and how I felt. Looking back at my poetry I can see now how delicate I had become, this is a far cry from the pre-accident Hannah. I am not surprised I fell into depression. 

The humble tree

Oh tree,

How I long to be like you.

With those roots firmly

embedded in the ground.

Only the mightiest storm can cause your upheaval.

Hope, do not lose hope, because, after the cold harsh winter, you know that spring will break, causing you to blossom again in many marvelous colours.

Oh humble tree,

Hope, do not lose hope, because after the cold harsh winter, you know that spring will break, causing you to blossom again in many marvellous colours.

Then after your glory,

Do you see it slowly disappear?

But lose hope you do not.

Oh humble tree as you become bare again, life does not cease from your branches.

As the bird chooses to sing a chirpy tune from your branches.

A sign of life and hope.

Despite the gloom of the grey dark skies,

Life continues

As the itty bitty Squirrel scurries up your trunk,

To find a nut or two.

O humble tree

You are a home for many

If only we could see your beauty.

How humble we would feel.

Strong and beautiful you are.

Oh humble tree

How I long to be like you.

A source of life for many

Oh my dear humble tree.

By Hannah McWann 24.12.18

I never knew what depression was as a Muslim. I thought it was a weakness of faith. How wrong I was. This was real. No matter what I did I could not shake off my mood of hopelessness and fatigue. At the last hour, the insurance company behind the bus company agreed to fund a further twelve weeks of rehab in a rehab centre much closer to home in Kingston upon Thames. From here, I would begin my transition home and out of the depression.

I have learned to control the voice in my head I think we have two subconscious, a positive voice and a negative side. Gaining mastery of your negative thoughts needs time and effort, it’s not easy. For me having a higher body I could turn to gives me comfort and peace.ad because right after that visit, COVID began which threw me hard. I have learned so many ways to deal with my mood:

1. A few times a week do something you enjoy, for me, it is playing geeky board games, 

2. I have learned to control the voice in my head I think we have two subconscious, a positive voice and the negative voice. Gaining mastery of your negative thoughts needs time and effort, it’s not easy. For me having a higher body I could turn to gives me comfort and peace.

3. If I am struggling with my mood I just go over the top with my exercise. Exercise really works for me in expelling frustration 

4. The idea that my injury could have been worse. I could be in a vegetative state. Such pondering causes me to feel gratitude. I know from the extent of the injury I sustained, that I am very blessed to be how and who I am

5. To make sure I enjoy the company of my close friends and family.

6. I have a Neuro-Psychologist called Victoria who has taught me a lot. Again I am very lucky to have a psychologist and having a good therapist is critical to swing out of a depressive state.

Please make a special prayer for me. I have my assessment this Friday to start using a non-mechanical standing device known as a molift.

In the Quran, there is a verse, "God does not burden any soul beyond what it can carry. "

Pre accident this was just something I would read. There are times I thought I can not do this anymore, and the next day I just forget about it and get on with it. If you had told me two and a half years ago I would be disabled, dependent upon care, unable to talk, I would have said I would have died in the process. I have not died, but I am more alive than I have ever been and trying my utmost to recover. I do apologise for having gone on, but I feel mental health is an important topic and I wanted to show we all have our mental battles.

I have on purpose put pictures of me enjoying my time with my family. Something, my family never thought possible while I was a coma. One of the best ways out of depression is to ensure you stay in touch with those who love you and can bring a smile to your face.