HOPE!

Live with Hope 

I have been disabled six years. I can’t believe it, so much so I don’t really remember ‘normality’ but what is normal is  relative. What is normal to one person, may not be normal to another.

For my six year anniversary, I want to begin with a brief update on life, I could write and write but honestly, I feel-people don’t want to hear about my life -we all got lives to live 

I had my settlement with the bus company one year ago. If I am honest no amount of money will ever be enough for my losses it can only make my life easier then what it is. At the end of negotiations I realised it was all about money and how little the insurance company can possible give without going to court because at the end of the day I was on a zebra crossing, ironically you would think I had chosen the safest option for crossing ,but the bus driver was acquitted for careless driving during the criminal case which placed me at a disadvantage.Though I know I was not in the wrong, I had to accept a percentage of liability in order for me to move on with my life. When you are fighting a legal battle so much of your life is scrutinised. If I am honest, had it only been myself, I would have fought but I have four kids to think about. By settling we could all move forward with life. Had I gone to court, I would have had to give evidence. As you all know, I can’t even talk! If they put me in the limelight, I would freeze. My very serious speech impediment and the appalling sound of my voice is humiliating for me. I don’t want to talk with people who are unfamiliar with me. I just about get by with my immediate family. My parents don’t even understand me. We joke by calling “it my language.” At the time of the settlement, I thought so much about the saying of our noble Prophet (peace be upon him), 

“Take benefit of five before five: Your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death.” 

This really struck a cord with my heart, because for me, I have already lost three, my youth, my health and my free time  - much of which is spent on recovery and therapy. Now two remain, life and wealth. You can so easily be robbed if you are not aware of what treasure you are carrying in your very own hands.The longer I fought the bus company, the less I would live and believe me my ego wanted to fight, but I swallowed my pride and settled on a sum which can never compensate for my loss.

So many people aim for wealth, ignoring the real wealth that is in our grasp. Our health. I may have wealth now but my health is gone. I can’t tomorrow jump on a plane and go globe trotting. Without your speech your life is totally vulnerable, you have to depend upon careers and even they struggle to understand what I am saying. 

What is wealth when you can’t communicate with ease. I can’t pay for my voice to come back or pay for a new set of lungs I can’t pay for a new brain. The real wealth is your health. 

Praise Allah I have a home now which is adapted for me. Praise the Almighty, I can finally fall asleep next to my husband after six years - even though we are on two separate beds. I try and live life thinking about what I do have as opposed to what I don’t have. This is very important for me, because I need to be a grateful servant to my Lord who has guided me these last six years and with a strength I never knew I had. 

It’s a special feeling to know when you are being held up by someone far Superior than yourself. Almighty God. He has blessed me with a richness and understanding of life which I could never have gained in my former life.

Don’t get me wrong my life is far from straight forward and do I miss my old self? YES ! Yes I miss old life. I just laugh and reminisce at the life I once had. At the time, I didn’t know just how good I had it - but the nature of man is that he always wants more. I never thought I would say this, but I miss the hint of cockney twang in my voice. I miss putting my coat on myself and being able to pop out. There is no popping anywhere when dealing with disability. Everything needs careful preparation. When you are disabled you are forced to sIow down - the simple act of wearing a coat can take five minutes. I laugh when my carers put on my right hand glove because I have to stretch my fingers out to allow them to pull the glove down, this always without fail reminds me of doing this to my kids. I now have an insight into life. It can be tough but we must keep going. Without Him I would not be writing my blog today. Such was the extent of my brain injury, I should really be in my grave and today would have been my sixth anniversary of my death - but I am here today and thriving, Praise Allah, the world is moving on and I am in it, embracing life, the high days and low days.

Physically, I grow stronger day by day, I feel like a flourishing plant who is growing but remembering the plant doesn’t blossom over night. It’s a slow and gradual process - at times unseen under the dark soil.

Mentally, I grow stronger slowly but steadily. I read a book last year called’ atomic habits, and the author mentioned even if every day you do a little to improve your state imagine the improvement over a year. Look how much you would have improved by making tiny changes that deliver amazing results. Hence the author uses the example of an atom so minuscule not even visible to the human eye. I have never stopped working especially physically, even when I am utterly exhausted I will do my stretches. I am now beginning to see the results of my continued effort, Praise Allah, I can now make baby steps- supported by my physio therapist. With effort, I Can stand up with finger tip support from another person. I remember a time I could not even hold my own head up. I had a large head rest to stop my head from flopping. I remember a time when I needed two carers to shower, to go toilet, to get in and out of bed. Now I need one carer. I remember I could only move my left leg by 1cm and my mum and dad would be cheering for me. Now I can bear weight on it and take baby steps while supported. It’s been a slow, long journey, but looking back, I can say, wow! Praise God who held me up. I don’t think I can ever give up on my recovery. I always joke with my therapist, “I will be on my death bed and I will be trying to recover.”

I am where I am, because I believe in HOPE and EFFORT. In Islam we are told by our noble and final prophet, even if you hear the trumpet on the day of judgment and you are planting a tree, finish the job.  For me this is Hope. Hope! Even though it may be the end of the world,  we are taught to carry on. How can I ever give up!

My biggest lesson that I hope to share with humanity even when life hits you to your lowest point is to hold on. For many years, since the accident, I have observed after the dark night, the day AlWAYS breaks. I hold onto this when I have a low day. I know after the long winter, spring will most certainly come with renewed life and colour. 

I want to share my hope to people it breaks my heart to know the biggest killer in men under 30 is suicide. 

Being disabled has really restored my faith in humanity. I go out a lot and the kindness I am shown warms my heart, I have to smile a lot when I go out because everyone smiles at me, even my daughter can’t believe the kindness, because in our normal busy lives we can’t bother to smile, so maybe I remind people of there humanity before anything else or I cause them to slow down and reflect, life can’t be that bad, look at that lady.

My life has gone on though. every day brings something different. I live every day as another day to Praise God, I try spending time remembering God.When I pray, I remind myself take your time Hannah what can be more important than this time with God. 

Not having the ease of speech with human means I get the chance to chat and nag God all the time who is called As Sami the All Hearing. As for God He deserves to be praised. I received compensation for something God gave us for free. Our limbs our unique voices, our vocal chords, this very thought brings me to tears. We can’t Praise Him enough. Secondly I Praise God to show my gratitude for what I have and not what I don’t have anymore. 

I could have sat down and given up on my life and by most standards, I’d be totally justified. I am wheelchair bound, dependent on others  and cannot talk. But He gave me strength to tell people when something happens to you which you don’t like, it’s not the end of life, the sun will rise.

Life goes on with or without you. I chose to live to be a fighter with what extra time I have been given on this earth. I am disabled so what! I have an appalling voice so what! I have experienced a normal life and now my life is more limited. Last weekend me and my support worker went to the demonstration for Palestine, I have marched my entire life for the injustices against the  Palestinian people. I am now doing the same but on wheels! I have observed so much from the Palestinian people, their resilience is mesmerising. 

I now know what is to be voiceless and weak. I say to the Palestinians even after the nights of bombing the days will come.

I thank everyone who has supported me these past years my husband, my parents, my support workers, past and present , those who have daily interactions with me know I am not the easiest human to deal with.

I do intend to write more next year but I really don’t want to bore people so if this post has helped you in any way please reach out.

Every day the sun rises is another day, a gift from God to do good.

Love Hannah